There was a moment last year when I realized maybe I was suffocating myself a bit. I feel like I can write about it now because I’ve been using this new information as a way to deal, to cope, with everything. Maybe you’ll find it useful.
We’re constantly in a state of coping, managing our days and, on a bigger scale, our lives. But sometimes we can get so caught up in the process of managing things (our careers, our relationships, our time) that we squeeze out what little space we have to just… breathe. To be unmanaged.
For me it was being caught up in freelance writing. When you’re at it for a while, sometimes it can feel like pasting together words that people want to read; the work is less about coming up with compelling new ideas and more about filling mandates from editors and clients to sell more magazines or get more clicks on a site.
The writing can feel distant at times, forced, unloved. But being the consummate professional that I am, it was always the best work I could do.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. I love being a full-time writer. I love having control over my days. I love hustling and researching for the next story. But I have to admit, there is a point when turning what you love to do in what you have to do (to pay the mortgage, school loans, whatever…) can feel a lot like suffocating.
Every freelancer has found themselves in a situation that paid well, but left him or her feeling a little worthless at the end of the day. Beefed up bank account, depleted self-esteem.
So it was around this time last year that I started feeling this way. Or rather, thinking back now, I had been feeling this way for some time. But only this time last year did I decide to do something about it, to squash that feeling in the pit of my stomach that alerted me to the suffocation.
I needed space to think and be honest with myself. I needed space to move around a bit, without the confines of a managed life.
I needed a little mental space to think, not about my current work, but the work I wanted to do;
I needed a little emotional space to cry, because crying feels so good but is something people are so discouraged from doing;
and I needed a little physical space to stretch my legs, to walk around and pace before I write – to iron out the details in my mind.
So I started using our dining room as a studio for myself, a place to go everyday, where I could write what I wanted, paint if I wanted and dance alone to songs that I would never play with another person in the room.
Space. It felt so good. It feels so good.
But, to be honest, some days, especially in the early days of finding space to breathe, it felt indulgent. And I struggled with that.
Why should I have all this space to just….. be?! I thought. Why did I deserve to enjoy my work? But then I gave myself a little space to see things differently, to understand that taking care of your heart and soul and mind isn’t self-indulgent at all, especially if it’s going to be at the core of the very work you do.
When those things have a little room to pulsate, to come to life – your mind, your heart and your soul – it’s quite amazing to watch the space that you gave them unfurl into something new: motivation, love and a fuller sense of self again.
So if you feel suffocated – by your self, your work, your lover, your thoughts, your worries – think SPACE. Because sometimes you just need a little to stretch out your thoughts, tango with your fears and stroke your dreams and say to yourself: Look, I’m still here.
~sandy.
photo taken by my sweet friend, Jessica.
